Under the cut to spare those of you who don’t wish to read my hormonal incessant ramblings.
So I totally need to go to bed because it’s 1:37 AM and I have to get up at 10:30 so I can go to class at noon. And today I had a class at 10:35 so I was supposed to get up at 9AM but I didn’t feel like it because it’s math and I hate it and I’m behind anyway and I was sleepy so I didn’t go but I didn’t look at my phone until I got to school just before my 12pm class and there was a text from my math teacher saying a telephone pole or something went down in her neighborhood fell over so math class was cancelled and I was like
aaaaaand yeah. So I went to english and had fun and then made mom a birthday cake and we went out to dinner and then ate cake and watched Switched at Birth and I watched Teen Mom and I’ve been reading old RP posts for like the last few hours and I realize how amazing/clever/ghetto fabulous Nicky and I are and I miss her face. And I really need to go to bed because I have class tomorrow and I gotta do english homework and HOLY SHIT BATTLE OF THE EXES STARTS TOMORROW NIGHT I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT.
that is all. off to remove my makeup which is a pain in the ass and then go to bed with my comfy new zebra blankey my parents got me for my birfday.
xoxoxox randomness fun.
ugggghhhh why can’t i just quit school and tumbl full time?
okay, so i’m 10 episodes into season 4 of everwood and amy just told ephram that she wanted to have her metaphorical “europe” but she does want to be with him because deep down inside she still thinks he’s her person but when they get back together she wants it to have a real chance and that means the timing has to be right and currently the time isn’t right. so ephram is like ‘of course, take all the time you need. i’ll be here.’
so even though I want to finish the series before school starts monday (which isn’t looking good) I also kind of don’t want to watch it because I’m like oooooh shit they won’t be together and bright is gonna cheat on hannah and go through a glass window at the bar and shits gonna get ugly before the series end and everything goes good again.
fuck my life.
time to go put in disk 3.
Posting under the cut because I refuse to clog up your pretty dash with my incessant rambling about shit I cannot understand.
I just feel like lately…. I don’t know. I’m not as happy as I could be. Should be. Was last year. Want to be. All of the above. I’m so out of it. When I’m in other worlds [lately of which are Robsten and Everwood] I’m content and happy, but the moment I’m back in reality I feel out of it. I’m not all here. My ability to write is suffering terribly and I’m scared beyond belief that I’m losing my talent, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose it because without it I’m nothing. I’m noone. I don’t know whats happening to me, but I’m terrified of what it means and if it continues what it could mean for the future. If there will be a future, or one worth having at all. I feel lost. Thing thing is, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to look for to find my way out. This time last year I was worried about what to get my friends for Christmas and excited for my family to come see me for the chorus concert. This year those friends are far away, both in the physical and mental sense. At this time last year I was excited to turn 18 and become a legal adult, and start the final leg of the high school journey. It was one step closer to the ultimate goal: graduation. Because if I could just reach that milestone and make it to that celebration that would be the greatest day of my life.. then everything would be okay. But it wasn’t. It’s not. I didn’t take advantage and say goodbye like I should have. I didn’t take photos and give hugs and tell people how much they meant and how my last year of high school was the only one of the past four that was truly enjoyable because of them and what they did for me. I didn’t thank them. And now here I am one year later, alone. I say I have plenty of friends, just look at my facebook page. Plenty of friends. But the truth of the matter is, I don’t. I don’t have any friends. I have aquantainces that I see at school, and we talk and it’s fine and nice. I had friends. They’re gone now, whether it’s off at school or locally continuing with their lives. I haven’t continued. I’m just…. here. Something is missing and that hole in my world is being stretched open wider and wider… I feel numb. I need something in my life that makes me want to live again. The fear is trying to take me over again, it can sense that I’m getting weak. It’s trying to move in again. I know I need to fight, I want something more for my life. I want my life back. But… I don’t know how. I don’t know what I want or need and I don’t feel anything. It’s just darkness, trying to swallow me whole. I can’t succomb to the darkness again, but I can feel myself losing strength… I feel nothing.
The truth is… I think I’m losing it. It. My talent, my everything. I am the writer. Among family and friends I have always been The Writer. I’ve won awards and the plaque hanging over my bed I recieved on senior awards night, without any warning, The Linda Cantrell Writing Award was given with a check of $1000 to the student that excelled in the written word voted by the english department teachers. I look at this plaque often because it gives me that boost and reminds me that people do believe in me. I look at my reviews on fanfiction and know that people think I’m good at what I do. But lately I’ve been in such a dry spell and writing is harder than ever, even when I’m writing for pleasure. I’ve been working on a paper for college today and I feel so defeated because it took a lot longer to write than I usually take, and I don’t think it’s great. It may be decent in other people’s eyes, but I’ve always been my own worst critic. I am the writer. I’m the one who needs to achieve perfection to make myself happy. I have goals set for myself higher than the average person but I am not average therefore the best for everyone else is merely okay for me. I strive for more. When most of the class gets an A, I need to be the one to get the A+ because I need to be that little bit better than everyone else. Because it’s the only thing I have. And the fact that the feeling of ‘I am a writer. And I am good at what I love to do’ is slowly slipping away and it terrifies me. If I can’t write then I don’t know what to do. What do you do when the one thing that makes you feel special falls apart? I need it. I don’t know who I am without it.
I’m so scared. Please, please don’t let this be the end. I need this.
