“Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says: “You’re nowhere near ready”. And the other half says: “Make her yours forever”. Michael, Caroline asked me what would I say if I knew you could hear me. I said: “I do know. I love you. God, I miss you, and I forgive you.”—Tyler Hawkins (via ravens-andwriting-desks)
I just feel like lately…. I don’t know. I’m not as happy as I could be. Should be. Was last year. Want to be. All of the above. I’m so out of it. When I’m in other worlds [lately of which are Robsten and Everwood] I’m content and happy, but the moment I’m back in reality I feel out of it. I’m not all here. My ability to write is suffering terribly and I’m scared beyond belief that I’m losing my talent, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose it because without it I’m nothing. I’m noone. I don’t know whats happening to me, but I’m terrified of what it means and if it continues what it could mean for the future. If there will be a future, or one worth having at all. I feel lost. Thing thing is, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to look for to find my way out. This time last year I was worried about what to get my friends for Christmas and excited for my family to come see me for the chorus concert. This year those friends are far away, both in the physical and mental sense. At this time last year I was excited to turn 18 and become a legal adult, and start the final leg of the high school journey. It was one step closer to the ultimate goal: graduation. Because if I could just reach that milestone and make it to that celebration that would be the greatest day of my life.. then everything would be okay. But it wasn’t. It’s not. I didn’t take advantage and say goodbye like I should have. I didn’t take photos and give hugs and tell people how much they meant and how my last year of high school was the only one of the past four that was truly enjoyable because of them and what they did for me. I didn’t thank them. And now here I am one year later, alone. I say I have plenty of friends, just look at my facebook page. Plenty of friends. But the truth of the matter is, I don’t. I don’t have any friends. I have aquantainces that I see at school, and we talk and it’s fine and nice. I had friends. They’re gone now, whether it’s off at school or locally continuing with their lives. I haven’t continued. I’m just…. here. Something is missing and that hole in my world is being stretched open wider and wider… I feel numb. I need something in my life that makes me want to live again. The fear is trying to take me over again, it can sense that I’m getting weak. It’s trying to move in again. I know I need to fight, I want something more for my life. I want my life back. But… I don’t know how. I don’t know what I want or need and I don’t feel anything. It’s just darkness, trying to swallow me whole. I can’t succomb to the darkness again, but I can feel myself losing strength… I feel nothing.
Today is a day of celebrating anything and everything. That’s what I love the most about Thanksgiving, the fact that you’re celebrating literally everything: Your friends, your family, your house, school, that wonderful picture frame above your bed and the six copies of your favorite novel your grandparents get you every single year. We’re celebrating those new earrings you have and your bedside table and your dresser and your mom’s shoes, and the leaves outside along with your dad’s Star Wars blankets and your brother’s fish. Today is the day we celebrate the fact that we have so much, and celebrate our good fortune.
I am thankful for you, Tumblr, and all of my amazing followers. I’m thankful for Glee and everything it’s given me, and I’m thankful for my old high school despite how much hell it put me through over the last four years. I’m thankful for my brother, no matter how much I deny it, and I’m thankful for being placed in the family that supports me and takes care of way more than they should at eighteen years old. Most of all, though, I’m thankful for everyone that got me through the dark times. I’m thankful to be here and more than that I’m happy to be here, which isn’t something I used to be able to say.
I love you all. I thank you all. And I wish you nothing but a warm and happy day of celebration.
okay so i went to the marcus foster gig tonight in camden. while the warm up acts were playing someone backstage moved the curtain and i thought i saw rob in his baseball cap with kristen but i wasnt totally sure. then my friend thought she saw him too…